Story of my life

My PET scan is all clear. Here's the before and after treatment scans to show you the difference.

You'd think I would be jumping up and down about being cancer free but I'm indifferent at best. I was told that's more normal that I'd think because we tend to prepare ourselves for the worse, so when the best case scenario comes around the news isn't AS great to hear you would think. Don't get me wrong I'm happy to be cancer free, but something about the whole situation just seems...off. Maybe that will all change on Friday when I meet with my oncologist and she gives me the plan for the next year or so.

So that's the good news, I can now say I've been cancer free for over 3 months. I use the day after my last radiation treatment has my first cancer free day. It's absolutely a relief knowing I won't have to be injected with 4 poison liquids, one of which I can literally feel going into me. And I won't have to get the terrible radiation that dried my mouth so badly it lead to an infection.

There are a few people who were happy enough for both of us to hear this news. Where my day all changes is when I had to go shooting my mouth off and ruin the moment. I'm not going to sit here and cry about it so you feel bad for me but like the title says, this is what I do. One day I'll learn to just shut up and accept the fact that once in a while I deserve something good in my life. It's just tough to do that when there is such a history of negatives and thinking I don't deserve anything different. One day.

Waiting is the hardest part

I had a PET scan Monday afternoon and I'll find out the results Wednesday morning, about 12 hours after I've written this. This is the most anxious I've been during the last 10 months because the results will tell me if I still have cancer or not. Words can't describe what it's like to wonder if you'll have to go through the same agony of treatments again. Having to wait for this news so far has been in the back of my mind for the better part of a month. Hopefully tomorrow there is much, much less to worry about

I know I suck

So I realized it's been about a month since I was here talking to you and for that I apologize. However, I also haven't had much to report since radiation ended. Seems like my taste buds are back for the most part. I ate some chocolate pudding tonight and it didn't taste like cardboard which is cool. Seemed like sweets and more specifically chocolate were the last tastes to come back. Spicy foods still hit me harder than they used to as the lining in my mouth continues to heal. My hair is another story, I haven't shaved my face in about 6 weeks and the hair on the bottom back of my head refuses to grow back. In the meantime I just get lots of haircuts and wait for my PET scan to come around in October. Cheers to things appearing to get a lil' bit better.

Today's special

I had a double cheeseburger with katsup, mustard and onion, cucumber tomato salad and a PBR for dinner. I could taste all of it. I'd call today a success.

I tried

The next time I talked to you here it was supposed to be a much happier entry about how my mouth has healed and everything is getting better. It was supposed to be that way. While my mouth is healing nicely everything is far from ok. I'm not happy and I haven't been since radiation started. Nothing is going my way, some of it cancer related and some of it isn't.

My most recent appointment I found out the next scan will be in October so I can stay the hell away from the hospital until then. I'll get check-ups every 3 months for a year, then 6 months for a year and finally 12 months until 5 years from now. Of course that's something to be excited about and I am. God knows I'm tired of being in that hospital and the routine of the standard procedure. I hate that the techs don't have to tell me to get on the scale then sit down for my blood pressure, I already know. Then I guess which room number I'll get and proceed to wait for the nurse to come see me. She'll leave and a few minutes later the doctor comes in and we talk it out. Then I check out and schedule everything for the future. You'd think the day is over by the time you get done with this but I still have 8 hours of work ahead of me.

There's the next challenge. I don't know where I fit in at my full-time job anymore. The team I thought I was a major part of has gotten along fine without me, save a few hours of overtime on their part. When I am there I'm tired, exhausted and don't have the patience to deal with anything or anyone. Then there comes the feeling that everyone around me are tired of my situation and don't want to deal with me. That leads me to feel...well...I don't even know what and all I can do is feel angry that I'm no longer part of a team I helped build over the last 3 years. Not that I was pushed out but it was able to adapt and overcome without me. I guess I should be glad that what I helped build can endure but it still sucks to be left in the dust like that.

When my 8 hours are done the only thing left to do is go home, alone, the worst part of it all. When you're left like that, all you can do is think about how much everything else sucks. Add to that you're in a room by yourself with nobody to help fix it and you're caught in a cycle that never ends. Well, Xanax helps a little bit. It puts me in a situation where I look for help in something or someone that masks the trouble in the meantime, but makes things even worse in the long run. No Mom I'm not on drugs. For example a friend can come visit  but as soon as they leave, I'm left feeling hopeless and alone again. The problem is sometimes I wish people would want to help but they wouldn't know there's a problem unless I tell them. I'm not gonna do that because I don't want to burden anyone with a problem that's eventually going to fix itself. No this isn't a backward ass way of me asking for help. If anything It's my typing out my thoughts so I can re-read it 10 times and try to make sense of my own head. If you're able to make sense of it as well, more power to your and lemme know how you're able to break it down. I was in therapy for 6 months and in that time we were able to get to one minor conclusion so I'll accept any hypothesis at this point

I don't know if I can wrap this all up nicely with a bow by saying "cancer sucks" cause it does but I think there's a deeper issue somewhere in there I need to uncover. When I'm at a race track with a beer in my hand and that's not enough to keep me away from the prescription mood altering drugs, well then I know there's a problem for sure. Cancer just adds more fuel to the fire and makes it all the more difficult to figure out. I need to grow up and get over these stupid issues but even months and months of therapy didn't really get me anywhere so I'm trying to figure out what's next. If you have any ideas let me know. Coozy...out!

...and another one and another one...

My week slowly went downhill. The side effects from radiation caused my mouth break out in open sores leaving me unable to eat much. Think of how much a canker sore sucks and how bad it would be if one went from corner to corner in your mouth across your bottom lip, it sucks. One thing you should be able to do as an adult is feed yourself so when it takes a half hour to eat a bowl of soup I'm left feeling helpless. My jaw hurts less in the last couple days so I can eat more solid foods now but it's still slow.

Two things saved my shitty mood, one was hanging out with Cassie Saturday afternoon and Sunday Mom, Mike and Bridget made the drive from Syracuse for the Corn Hill Art Festival. It rained most of the time they were hear but I was still so happy to see them. It always means a lot when family and friends drive out to see me. I make the trip so often because that's where the family and friends all live but to have them make the effort means the world.

I'm taking a couple days off from work this week. I'm physically able to do my job but I feel like the infection in my mouth would do well with me not straining my body at all. Hopefully by Thursday it will heal up enough that I can go to Quaker Steak and Lube for all you can eat boneless wings night. I planned it with the guys at work and I'm really looking forward to it.

I want to say thank you to whomever reads this and has visited me, called, sent a card, email or even a text to check up on me. I love knowing people are thinking about me and they care enough to ask.

+1/-1

Bad news first, my hair is falling out in clumps so I'm going to get is shaved again. The good news is I ate some salad today. Why is this a big deal? It's the most solid food I've eaten in the past week if you don't count overcooked pasta. Maybe tomorrow I'll try a chunky soup if I'm feelin' squirrely.

Warped Tour yesterday was AWESOME! So glad I went because I was able to finally see Crown The Empire (who were amazing) and I got to meet Beebs from Beebs and Her Money Makers. I found out about her band from watching a show that documents the life of the Warped Tour set-up crew and a few bands on tour. Cassie and I watched the show together and we fell in love with Beebs because she's just so cute an awesome. Without looking for sympathy or anything like that I told her I'd finished radiation the day before and she sounded genuinely happy to hear that, immediately throwing her arms around me for a big hug. There are some good people in the world, I'm starting to see that more and more these days.

Oh what a relief it is

Today was the last of my 10 radiation treatments, that's the good news. The bad...my mouth and throat have been DESTROYED! Radiation to the neck really does a number on everything else, including my energy level. I put myself on a liquid/soft diet and for 5 days I've been eating soup, mashed potatoes, over cooked pasta and I've been hungry ever since. It's going to take some time to heal but at least I have about a month before there are any more tests or scans. It gives me a chance to feel normal again. They'll give it about 4 weeks before I go for another PET scan and that will show what kind of affect the treatments had on the tumors. Tomorrow I'm headed to Warped Tour for the first time in 7 years, hopefully I have enough energy to keep up with all the kids. The next 4 weekends look promising as well with different events planned with friends and family. It's going to be nice to live what seems like a regular cancer free life for a while. Cheers!

I only have 4 senses

After the first week of radiation I was left with a limited sense of taste. That's normal seeing as we're pumping all kindsa weird stuff at my neck. As a result I tend to use more hot sauce than I used to in an effort to try and add more flavor. In reality all I end up doing is burning my mouth out to the point that my eyes well up. No bueno. As of this publication I only have 3 more courses of radiation left, hazzah!

Sorry 4 tha wait

I think I started using this as a way to vent my frustrations with all the crap I was dealing with. The biggest issue I had a hard time with, was not knowing what was going on with my lung. That led to chemo being pushed back and never really knowing when I might be done. I think the fact that i don't write here as much means I might be having an easier time with this deal.

A lot has happened in the past 2 weeks or so. I had a birthday, started working at the baseballs games again, went to a wedding and got scheduled for radiation. One thing didn't write about when it happened was my trip to Montage Music Hall to see Hit The Lights. I was front an center for their set singing my lungs out. After the show I talked to Nick, the lead singer. He either recognized me from past shows or the giant in the front of the crowd singing along really stands out that much. Without looking for sympathy or pity I told him I rescheduled chemo to be there tonight. He asked me to keep him updated as I finish all my treatments and we occasionally email back and forth. I'm still a little kid in that I hold musicians I respect up on a pedestal, so the fact that he asked me to keep in touch blows my mind.

My birthday was a (Borat voice) GREAT SUCCESS! Although I wasn't feeling top notch I still went out to bet on the ponies. My boy Kevin surprised me with a trip up here to see me. It was great to hang out with him an Paige together. I also had my triumphant return to the TV crew for the Red Wings and it feels good to control a camera again. My friend and co-worker Nate got married this weekend and he hired me to shoot the wedding. It was my first wedding with Top Shelf Productions and I'm so grateful for the opportunity to show off my skills. Oh yeah, and I have 12 appointments for radiation! I'm finally starting to see the finish line...maybe so life isn't all that bad. I made it through 35 hours at my full time job with a 9.5 hour day, this week I'm shooting for my first 40 hour week in 2 month. Like I said, you need goals even if they are small.

I'm going to try and share my of my happy news and good things in life as they happen cause nobody wants to read 3 paragraphs of self loathing. Thanks for playing along so far.

One more positive

So before I get all emo and complain about how crappy I feel after chemo I thought I'd let you know how awesome of a time I had recently. For about a week and a half I didn't feel sick and it was awesome. Last week  worked 30+ hours, the most I've done in over a month and a half. It was almost like I was getting back to a normal life.

A couple weeks ago I was was sitting on the couch Saturday afternoon thinking about how bored I was and said screw it, I'm going to Syracuse next weekend. I planned it out just right that I got to see a lot of my favorite people, watch hockey, eat Brooklyn Pickle and go to the races for the first time this season.

As I sit here writing this with an IV in my arm getting what should be my final chemo, I'm trying to stay positive and remind myself that it will get easier from here. There will be a small setback as my body processes the chemo out over the next few days but the goal is to be healthy enough for a trip to Fingerlakes Racetrack on Saturday for my birthday. It's always fun to throw some money around and yell at the horses to run faster, hopefully I can make it.

3 out of 5

I said the other day my goal was to work 40 hours this week and it was lookin pretty good until I didn't sleep much Wednesday night. When 8am came around the first thing I said to boss was 'I will be working but not the whole day so let's figure out what's best". We decided on a 2-6 shift for optimum productivity. Now that I struggled through those 4 hours it will be interesting to see what I can do Friday. The other side of Friday...a weekend in Syracuse with most of my favorite 315ers. I'll get back to you next week with a full report on how it went.

Back in the old iron lung...

I went to work at 9am today and worked a full 8 hours. That's the most I've worked in one shot being only 6 days out from chemo and the goal is to work a whole 40 hour week. I looked back at my time sheets and I haven't done that since the week of March 23rd so here's things hopefully getting back to normal. While I do feel a little tired and enjoyed a solid nap as soon as I got home, I think I can actually pull this off. I'm also looking forward to a my first trip to a racetrack this season, even if I do have to wear a mask all night.

Ups and Downs

Felt like I was on a roller coaster again for the past week. I was finally able to get over a cold that sent me to the emergency room the week before, some of my best friends came to visit for the day, I had chemo again, I ALMOST threw up at work, met with the radiologist and I saw a comedian I've been wanted to see for a few years now.

Paige and Danielle's visit last weekend was the best thing that could have happened to me. They got in middle afternoon, we went to the Lilac Festival and bombed around there for a couple hours then went out to dinner. During dinner we decided we wanted to go to the Rochester Knighthawks lacrosse game. If you've never been to an indoor lax game I would HIGHLY recommend it. It's a very fast paced action packed violent game and I loved every second of it. Throughout the day Danielle kept saying how much she liked Rochester which made me feel awesome cause I'm kinda fond of this city myself.

A couple days ago I got to see Josh Blue at The Comedy Club, he's a stand-up comic with Cerebral Palsy who I caught on Comedy Central a few years ago. Josh uses his disability a lot in his act and I think it's hilarious. His set was top notch and well worth $12, plus I got to take a picture with him afterwards.

My appointment with the radiologist went well, though he is a strange little man. I'll be starting radiation a few weeks after my last chemo which is June 4. Side effects should be minimal because Hodgkins Lymphoma patients normally get a lower dose than other cancers AND mine is not very aggressive so I get the low end for HL. Can't wait for this to just be done and behind me because the headaches and nausea from chemo are starting to get old really fast. I don't know how other people can put up with it 8 or 10 times, I've only had 3 and I'm totes over it. Nobody said cancer would be fun but come on this is getting ridiculous.

I still have a TON of team coozy merch if you're in the market for that kinda thing. I also set up accounts on ebay, etsy and fiverr to try and offload some of the koozies. Next week my goal is to work 25+ hours, something I haven't done in well over a month. If I lay low this weekend and save my energy I think I might be able to pull it off, Like I've said before it's always good to have goals and things to look forward to.

Random update

I know it's been a while but I've felt just plain crappy for the last week and nobody wants to sit around and read about me complaining all day. I came down with a cold last week and the damn thing won't seem to go away. On top of that I can't find the right mix of drugs to make my stomach feel better. Hopefully I can straighten it all out before chemo next week...hopefully. I did get to enjoy some quality time with Cassie this week since she had about 5 days off in a row so that was nice. I have a bunch of #teamcoozy merch left over so if you're in the market for can koozies, stickers, buttons or ribbons let me know. Cheers to a weekend that's going to be a lot cooler (literally the temp will be a lot lower) than this past week has been.

Benefit and Chemo

3 days ago was the benefit my dad organized. It was so great to see all those people, about 250 total. Gotta give a a huge shout out to everyone who helped out. It was nice to see so many people care and wanted to be a part of it. Everyone's generosity was overwhelming and after this I don't think I'll have to worry about too many medical bills.

Yesterday was my second round of chemo. It went smoothly and today I'm feeling minimal side effects, hopefully that continues. Later this afternoon I'm going to Best Buy so I can FINALLY get a new audio deck installed and my sub woofers hooked up again. You're going to hear me coming from a mile away. Hope you're having as good of a day as me!

Go time

I had a hard time falling asleep last night. Ya know how you can't sleep when you know you're leaving for vacation the next day? That was me staring at the ceiling. I don't know if I've ever been so excited to go back to Syracuse. In the afternoon there's a group of us going out to watch the Bruins game. Tonight there's another group getting together for poker that reminds me of 10+ years ago, let the cards and bullshit fly. And of course tomorrow is the benefit. All I've heard from other people the last few days is "I'm going and I'm excited". Then I hear about friends of friends of friends that wanna go, Sunday is going to be amazing! I'm still in bed thinking of what I have to do before I go and I think I have a game plan locked down. Next update is coming Sunday or Monday and I'll tell you all about how much fun I had this weekend.

♫ It's just another day ♫

I'll give you 3 points and a free hug if you can name the song and artist above.

I had a laid back day working from home for a few hours filling greeting card orders for CatPrint. It's awesome that Becca let's me bring supplies home so I can work comfortably from my couch and I don't feel rushed to get it all done in one sitting. I took a break in the afternoon to have lunch with my old man and his fiance at my favorite diner, Mark's Texas Hots after they flew in from Florida. They were happy cause it's good an cheap, $25 for 3 people to eat lunch. We caught up on life, our illnesses and the benefit on Sunday. Oh yeah, have you heard there's something going on Sunday?

The more we talked about it the more excited I was getting. When he first told me about it months ago I was all like "yeah ok". Now that it's days away and I realized how much fun it's going to be I'm starting to get pumped. It's going to be a GREAT opportunity for me to see so many people I like and forget for a day that I'm sick. That's all assuming I don't over do it AND people don't treat me like I'm sick. As long as we stick to that plan everything should be OK.

When I checked my mail this afternoon there was a card from an old friend's girlfriend and someone I've recently started to consider one of my best friends lately. Danielle is a 6th grade teacher and her whole class signed a card for me. Earlier this week I missed a call from another friend's girlfriend, see a trend here? She said their 3 1/2 year old son wanted to say hi cause he missed me. When I asked if they've explained to him that Uncle Pat is sick this is the exact response: "Yes and no. He knows that you have to go to the hospital and the Dr but he doesn't understand much more than that. When I showed him a pic of you getting chemo he said he needed to kiss your boo boo and give you a band-aid and you would be all better". Why do people insist on making me cry?

Now it's time for a quick nap and then cheer on the Bruins as they start their second round series tonight. I've said it before, when you have cancer there are good days and there are bad. Today was a good cancer day :)

Schwag

The order for 300 F-Cancer koozies is in, $4 each. These things are BOSS! I also attached a pic of everything I currently have to sell.

A week later

A week after my first treatment all I can tell you is chemo SUCKS! Starting with the needle put in my forearm to the 4th drug burning as it went into my veins and ending with the ridiculous dizziness that comes around every time I drive or walk more than 10 feet. I know, they pumped me full of poison so I'm supposed to feel crappy but I wasn't ready for this at all.

Lemme take a sec and take you to school about chemo. It's designed to kill rapidly dividing cells which include cancer, platelets (they allow your blood to clot) and white blood cells which fight infection. Hair is also a rapidly dividng, that's why a lot of people lose their hair during chemo. So with all these cells dying off at such a rate, your body is left with close to nothing to live one. That's not to say I'm barely alive the day after chemo but it's the reason why I feel so useless and can't do much but lay on the couch.

I had an appointment Monday to talk about side effects and any changes we need to make before round 2. The nausea meds have been adjusted and one of them also helps me sleep since I've had a hard time doing that in the last week. I also learned my Dr. is leaving the hospital for a new job in July which is right around the time I'll be ending radiation. Kinda sucks because I really like him and I've trusted him from the beginning. Plus, the dude wears cowboy boots to work everyday how can you not love that? After my appointment I went to work which is what responsible people do when they have a job. It was harder than I thought because the dizziness is still hanging around. It's tough when you have to keep walking in circles and turn your head a lot. I talked to my boss and she agreed to send me home with some supplies so I could fill greeting card orders from my couch. Hopefully this works well and will allow me to get paid but also work on my own time. I feel like I can be more productive if I can work for a half hour or so and take a break, something I wouldn't feel comfortable doing if I was there.

In other news, the benefit in Syracuse is less a week away and I'm sooooo stoked to see all my family and friends in one spot. I've said before you need things in life to look forward to and what's better than seeing so many people I care about and I know care about me. AND the night before that, a bunch of us are going to Fulton Speedway. I haven't been to a weekend dirt track with my old man and brother in years. PS Mike's girlfriend Bridget was super awesome when we talked about this upcoming weekend. When it came up in a text conversation she "requests my presence for a least a night sleepover (at their apartment) because the last time was way too much fun". People who treat you like that you're gonna wanna keep them around for a while, they obviously care about you. I just hope Mike's OK with his girlfriend inviting me to a slumber party :-P.

So this week I'm just going to try and grind it out and my goal is to work 20 hours without killing myself. Wish me luck and hopefully I'll see ya Sunday. Oh yeah and we have buttons now, $1 each.

Round 1. FIGHT!

You automatically get 3 points if you recognize which video game I pulled a line from to get the title for this entry. I had my first round of chemo yesterday and I'll tell ya something, it's not fun. Two of the were pushed in with a syringe and the other two hang and drip. The combination of drugs I'm on is called ABVD, they stand for Adriamycin, Bleomycin, Vinblastine and Darcarbacine. The first three went through pretty easy but the Darcarbacine SUCKS! They have to monitor how it's going in and mixed with saline solution otherwise it burns, not just my forearm where the line is put in but also further up the vein in my bicep. The whole process isn't bad, I sit down for the line to be put it and hang out to let some fluids in before the drugs start. There are volunteers who come around with snacks and drinks and I can watch TV or use my computer while the nurse does her thang. Yesterday I finally had some time to focus on some work for Top Shelf Productions, I'm working on 4 live music videos for So Last Year. Half the battle is getting 3 cameras synched up to a pre-recorded track but it's done, now all I have to do is the actual editing.

 I'm home all day today and the rest of the week is all up in the air. I'm taking it one day at a time while I wait to see how the drugs react with my body. If I can get out of the apartment and go to work I'll be more than ahppy to do that but my sturggle is (and always has been) doing too much before I'm actually ready. The first day I think I might be going back to normal I push myself too far and take a step backward. I have to remember I'm sick and there's no getting around it any time soon. So for now I guess I'll just spend the day eating a fridge full of leftovers, napping, drinking Powerade Zero and maybe start a new TV show. Hope your day has more adventure than mine.

If I knew all about this one thing, wouldn’t that be something

Something's afoot and it's buggin' me that I can't figure it out. My overall mood changed on Friday when I went to the hospital and something has been off ever since. It reached a fever pitch this afternoon when I was watching an episode of Entourage and I had a sudden feeling of paranoia and there was imminent danger ahead, not a panic attack but just something was wrong. I believe this is clinically known as extreme anxiety. Worst part is I knew the whole time it was silly and nothing was actually wrong but I still couldn't get it out of my head that even though I was laying on the couch minding my own business, something would happen. I know, sounds like fun doesn't it? Back to work tomorrow, should be an interesting day because I have no idea how my chest and shoulder are going to hold up.

I've got to admit it's getting better, a little better all the time

I woke up this morning and the pain had dropped significantly overnight. Not gone but much better and more manageable. Since everything in life is a trade-off I couldn't seem to get out of a funk all morning and afternoon. Luckily Xanax came to the rescue which is good cause I had a hot date scheduled for later in the evening. Amanda was in town for her sister's bridal shower and planned a extra day into her trip just so she could see me. She lives in Florida so we don't get to hang very often. She was my reason for getting off the couch and going outside for the first time since Friday afternoon when I got out of the ER. I didn't go crazy though, just got up long enough to get dinner at Pelligrino's and sundaes at Yotality. BTW I'm totally diggin' this frozen yogurt trend! Then we went back to my place to watch Anchorman 2. It's awesome I had 2 visitors in one weekend. Even though I seem to be going in the right direction, I'm still not working Monday in the hopes that I can stay on top of this thing. My hope is by Tuesday I'll be even closer to normal and possibly even work a full 8 hour work day this week. I know what a novel idea right? It's always good to have goals.

Thanks for stoppin' by part 3

Pain is still hanging around so now I'm up to 20mg of oxy and switching back and forth between tylenol and advil every 6 hours. Gonna try that through the night and see what's up in the morning. I made a phone call this afternoon and almost cried on the phone. Paiger and Danielle stopped by for a visit since they were in town and I almost cried when they left. Made another call this evening and almost cried a third time. Made another call a few minutes later and didn't almost cry that time. There's a step in the right direction...right? Oh the mood swings of a long term illness are always fun.

Bruins won and clinched best record in the league, saw some friends, and I got more bracelets since you people wanted all 50 from my first batch so quickly. So today wasn't a total waste I guess. Tomorrow I'm expecting another visitor and there's hope that the new regimen of drugs will work. I've watched Shawshank Redemption enough to know that hope is dangerous but it's all I have right now, that and prescription narcotics ;)

Thanks for stoppin' by UPDATE

Pain is still lingering around but the Bruins are beating the Sabres 2-0 in the first period so it's kind of a wash. I woke up at 10am so that means I slept on and off for about 16 hours and oddly enough I'm ready for another nap. I'll wait until 2pm when I'm allowed more pain meds and hopefully that will help knock me out.

Thanks for stoppin' by

With yesterday's trip to the hospital all I can feel is frustrated. They said I made the right decision by coming in but then the fact that they sent me home without really finding a good reason for the pain is annoying. It's been about 26 hour since I went into the ER and the pain is starting to creep back which is making me cranky. I've been sleeping on and off since about 630pm yesterday and it looks like I'll be doing this all day. Had to cancel more plans for this weekend so I could give my body a chance to catch up, that kinda sucks. Sounds like some of the people I was planning to see are going to come to my house for a visit. That should help because I was going crazy last weekend just laying on the couch by myself. Guess I'll have to take it easy again this week which is totally not my style. I like to be up and going all day and then crash hard at night. I'm slowly learning how to be sick but for someone like me who's used to working 55+ hours each week that's a tough transition. Give me time though, I'll figure it out.

♫ Here I go again ♫

In the last few days I learned what's going on in my lungs is nothing serious. Kinda sucks I had to go through a strenuous procedure and a surgery requiring 2 nights in the hospital but I guess that's better than having the cancer spread. That's the difference between having 4 or 12 chemo treatments and luckily I'll only have 4. The other thing I learned is I'm FINALLY starting chemo later this month. My first treatment is April 22 and then I'll have radiation when that's over so I'm hoping to be done by the end of July. There's a light at the end of the tunnel now however I have learned that sometimes the light is just a train so I'm cautiously optimistic. Just the fact that I can look at my calender now and I see chemo scheduled on it makes me feel so much better.

During my appointment today it started to get a little more real. Once my awesome nurse Laura sat us (Mom, Cassie and me) down to go over side effects and warning signs for bigger problems, I began to worry a little. I think my biggest fear right now is just the unknown. I know that's so cliche but hang with me for a sec. Chemo affects everybody differently so there's no way to know for sure how my body is going to react. About a week after the first round I should know what to expect for the next two months. Some of what I can deal with is pretty nasty and land me in the hospital for a few days at a time. I have no interest in doing that again any time soon.

My boss called me out today, and I totally deserved it. I haven't worked a full 8 hour day all week as I'm trying not to push my body too hard after surgery. Only problem is after my 6 hours day yesterday, I had to go back and get my concert ticket out of my desk for later in the night. Plans were made 2 months ago for this concert but it sucks when the rest of my team puts in overtime to cover for me and I come off looking selfish. Other than that everything has been pretty good on the employment front so far. Everyone has been very supportive and my boss seems to be tolerant of my constant schedule changes. Since I worry a lot, I just get nervous that one day people will reach their breaking point and things around me start to collapse.

A while back I said it wasn't fun anymore but that kinda changed with the excitement (if that's the right word) of a discovery as to what's going on with my lungs. Now that all I have to look forward to is constant fatigue and other crap like that, it's all back to being no bueno. I had a heart to heart with my boss at one of my part time jobs a while back about how much stress she was dealing with. I used to have her job so I knew her pain. She is a single parent with an 8 year old who requires a lot of her time. Add that to the stress of a retail management job and life can seem pretty tough. During the conversation she mentioned an upcoming overnight stay in Niagara Falls and I saw her eyes light up. That's what you need in life, something to look forward to so now I keep trying to plan things weeks or months away so I have a reason to be excited. I had to call off my trip to New Jersey for the Bruins game with Kev this weekend and a trip Virginia at the end of the month for my cousin's wedding. So when I'm canceling plans as fast as I make them it's tough to look ahead. I am stoked for the event my old man is planning for next month though I'm a little nervous about how much energy it's going to take to say hi to 200+ people. Don't get me wrong though, there will be family in friends all congregated in one place who I haven't seen together in years so I am excited for this.

I've been writing this for about 45 minutes now having started around 945pm because I couldn't sleep and I was hoping to clear my head. The only problem is I'm treating it like homework finding every excuse on the internet to distract myself. So here I am avoiding something I know will help. Hey, I never claimed to be a smart man. Luckily I have 2 friends I'm also talking to on Facebook as I write this to vent to about how I'm feeling. Hopefully they actually care as much as they're pretending. That makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I've never had much self worth so for as much as people seem to care about me, I rarely feel deserving of it so unfortunately I have to keep reminding myself that it's all for real. OK I'll stop being so depressing and needy now. Thanks for reading, it means a lot that you care enough to make this much effort. Goodnight.

Back to work

Being less than a week out of surgery I was on the fence about working for the Rochester Red Wings during opening weekend. I was scheduled to work in the control room which is a lot less strenuous than camera. Saturday's game was postponed so the only one I had to work was Sunday. As soon as I walked in the door I knew I made the right choice. I love the people and the atmosphere of the ballpark. Sure I start to get sick of it in August but for the first three quarters of the season it's great! Best part is this year my boy Sam is working on the TV crew with me. Around 4pm I started to feel the strain of doing something that wasn't just sitting on the couch and watching TV. AND the game went to extra innings so when we got out of there around 6:30 I was hurting a little but it was worth it. I told my boss there's no way I'd be able to work the other two games this week and luckily he was OK with me backing out. It just felt good to be back doing a job I love so much. Here's to a successful third season!

Hockey always gives out 3 stars at the end of the game for those who excelled during the match. I'm going to give out 4 stars in no particular order for people who went above and beyond for me this week. First is Sam who drove me to Frontier Field so I could work for Red Wings and out to get dinner after the game. Second is Cassie who stayed with me both nights I was in the hospital holding my hand the whole time and took care of me when I got home. Third star goes to Kev for buying 300 Team Coozy bracelets. I'll have some later this week, if you live outside of Rochester you can buy one right from Kev and he will mail it to you. The last star is shared between a few people who share blood with me. Aunt Jeanine came to see me the afternoon I got out of the hospital to make sure I was prepped for the next few days. Mom stayed in Rochester for 2 nights and all the daylight hours in my hospital room. Dad called from Florida every day to check on me. Mike scheduled his Tuesday so he could see me in the morning and meet clients in the afternoon. Cousin Fred made the four hour round trip drive just to hang out with me for a few hours after he got out of work on Thursday. It really is the little things that make having a long term illness just a little more bearable.

Thank you

On a more positive note

Last night two good things happened. My cousin Fred came to visit. his sole purpose was just to be there, see me and talk. The Bruins happened to be playing so we got to watch our first game together in I don't know how long. That's special because this is the man who gave me my first Bruins hat when I was much younger. I think I still have it kickin' around somewhere. The second was I found out my friend Kevin bought 300 Team Coozy bracelets and didn't tell me about it until they were already made. He's selling them for $2 each, if you'd like one you're welcome to contact him through the link I added to his name or I can give you his contact info. For those of you in Rochester, you can purchase one from me directly starting next week. See, it is possible to have a good day even when you have cancer :)

At first I was afraid, I was petrified

I made it through the night, though it wasn't easy. I did sleep on and off for about 12 hours which is kinda what I was hoping for. The only down side was when I woke up around 730 I had a killer headache that was starting to make me nauseated. I took some more drugs, went back to sleep and about 2 hours later the headache is a lot more manageable. This is going to sound stupid but I'm going to say it anyway. This sucks. Nothing about it is fun. But my cousin Fred is coming to visit tonight, I'm so stoked I haven't seen him since October!

Home Sweet Home

I've been home for about 6 hours now and for as much as I couldn't wait to get out of the hospital and that bed, there's a small part of me wishing I could go back. Nighttime is scary enough even when you aren't 3 days out of surgery. If there was a problem or a small concern I had at any moment, all I had to do was push the button and talk to a nurse. As you can imagine I didn't sleep much there especially since they took my vitals every 4 hours. The up side to being there though is my overnight nurse, Stefanie is awesome! She seemed willing to stay for an extra minute just to chat and she always laughed at my lame jokes. Cassie is a nurse as well so they were able to use industry jargon and talk shop with each other. Needless to say she helped keep the two of us sane from 7pm until 7am.

Now I'm home alone. I'm not being a pessimist assuming something will go wrong but now there's nobody to talk and nobody getting paid to check up on me. I'm nervous. Chances are everything will be fine but there's always that chance. My alarm is set to go off every 4 hours now so I can take my pain meds. See ya in the morning!

And boom goes the dynamite

I had been dealing with my two night stay in the hospital pretty well emotionally, until now. They pulled my chest tube out at 1130am and that's when I seemed to crash. Once it was out I felt like I had no fight left in me and I was mentally defeated. Maybe it's because getting the tube out was a big step towards going home and on the inside I knew I wouldn't have to deal with this much longer. Typically I can go for a walk and listen to music to clear my head but even doing a few laps around the halls here didn't quite do it for me. I'm ready to just go home, sit on my couch and be done with the hospital for a while.

The past 3 days have taken a lot out of me physically and mentally and I don't know how I'll be able to put up this kind of fight again. It could just be a learning curve though since these were my first overnights in a hospital. Who knows, maybe after I'm back home I'll be able to think more clearly. Until then...your guess is as good as mine.

Let's play two

Stuck in this hell hole for at least another night, that's the bad news this morning. The good news is I have an omelet, bacon fruit cup cinnamon and 2 Gatorades on the way for breakfast. If you can keep a secret, my mom said she would sneak me outside to go for a walk since it's supposed to be 60+ degrees.

The pain overnight was almost unbearable. Add that to trying to move around every few minutes to get comfortable and I almost cried. They're adding some type of Motrin based pain killer and upping how much oxycodone by 50% so shit's starting to get real.

Cassie deserves a medal because she stayed with me all night trying to keep me entertained while I was awake. I only slept for a few hours. She says she's going home for a nap then coming back to take care of me again tonight. Mom's a trooper too, he was up at 530 Monday morning and stayed til about 9pm. Then she was back to the hospital by 7am. I'm lucky to have two such awesome ladies sticking around me.

The thought of just one dream it consumes me

I've been awake since 4:45am Monday morning. As I start writing this it's 1:05am Tuesday morning. If you don't count the time I was out for surgery I've slept a total of 20 minutes and it doesn't look like that's going to change any time soon.

**warning, it's about to get all medical and graphic and a lil gross up in here**

When I woke up for surgery I was in probably the worst pain ever, I rated it 8/10 and they kept pumping me with pain killers every 5 minutes. Since noon it's been at a consistent 4 which is better but I still can't move much. The last 2 times I was knocked out for surgery I woke up pretty well but even an ice cube wanted to come back up today. From what I've heard people can have a difficult time urinating after anesthesia and that affected me. I couldn't get started and when I did I couldn't keep it going so a couple hours ago I had the pleasure of my first catheter. Most people pass between 150 and 500 ml of urine on a normal trip to the bathroom. I had a total of 1550 ml in about a half hour with that thing in. Suddenly my stomach doesn't hurt anymore. For the discomfort of putting the tube in and taking it out, the end result was worth it.

My lunch sucked, they came by and said I was on a clear liquid diet so when they started rattling off what my options were I just said screw it bring me one of everything. Dinner on the other hand was AWESOME! I had spaghetti with meatballs, Greek salad, chicken finger (yes only one single chicken finger) and a cheeseburger. Best part is, it wasn't all crappy hospital food and I learned taht between 630am and 8pm I'm allowed to call room service and have food delivered at any time. For breakfast I'm ordering bacon with a bacon and a side of bacon. For dessert my homie Kayla (Cassie's former co-worker and nurse in the cancer center) made me a milkshake.

OK so to sum it up I have 2 IVs, pain killers include Dilaudid, oxycodone & tylenol, and xanax as needed. It looks like the chest tube is done pumping stuff out so the only other thing holding me back is pain management. I can't go home til I'm off the IV pain killers and it's starting to look like that might take a while. Now I'm about to do a lap around the nurse's station and hopefully tire myself out. Here goes nothin'...

So so sorry

I know I said I would update this thing Wednesday night but life happened, and a lot of life happened in the past week. For starters I'm not sure why I'm awake at 8am on a Sunday but I do know I'm glad I brought my ipod dock into my bedroom last night. I'm listening to the new album from The Used. Yeah I know it doesn't come out until Tuesday but I'm a PIRATE and I get what I want. I've listened to it 5 times and I love parts of it and can't stand others. Not about to give you a full album review, just felt like sharing my quick opinion of it.

Monday was the finale of lovin' cup idol and a few people in the greater Rochester area can attest to this, I was nervous as all giddy-up. At work that day, all I could think was I put all the wrong video in and nobody would like it. I spent roughly 10 hours editing a pair of 2 minute videos to play before the finalists performed. When I hit play on the first one I thought my heart was going to beat through my chest, that's how nervous I was. This was my first chance to put Top Shelf Productions on display for the public and fortunately everybody loved them. If any of this annoying medical stuff threatened to get in the way I was going ask the doctors if we could wait. These two videos I knew were going to be the best project I've ever worked on, and they turned out to be exactly what I'd hoped for. You can see them HERE.

Thursday I got some of my best friends together for all you can eat boneless wings and hockey at Quaker Steak and Lube. It was great to have one more night out with the boys before I become incapacitated next week. Not sure if they know how much it means to me that they met me out that night but I guess if they read this, then they'll know. Friday night, Top Shelf had their first paying job recording live music video's for my friend's band So Last Year. We had a 3 camera setup and I'm stoked to get working on these videos next week. Yesterday I spent a couple hours cleaning the apartment so that when I'm sitting at home all next week I wouldn't have to look at a mess. It almost looks respectable around this place...almost. Before that though, it was time for a haircut. My boy Sam volunteered to shave his head with me whenever I was ready to do it. In the event that I don't have the energy to shower next week I chose to buzz it all off now so I didn't have to deal with a greasy tangled mess. His fiance Allison gave up her time and salon chair to do it for us. Kev and Paige both shaved in New Jersey and Syracuse respectively. Here's the before and afters.

There's one person who's leading the race for fund raising all-star. Friend and co-worker Laura entered a 12 hour race to raise money for me. She plans on running for almost the full 12 hours. I might do like...a lap around the track with her. If you'd like info on how to get involved let me know. She also designed a flippin' sweet Team Coozy t-shirt pictured below. According to the website, we get about $10 back from every shirt that's purchased. I already ordered mine, now I just need a nice pair of purple converse to match. If you want one of these bad boys you can purchase one, all you have to do is click on the picture. BTW the offer still stands for a free autographed shirt to the first woman who cuts all her hair off.

I knew on Friday the 21st I would be having surgery but I chose to wait until I met with the surgeon to find out details and a date before I told all of y'all. That surgery is tomorrow, I have to be at the hospital by 6:15am. So maybe it's not that bad to be awake early, maybe I'll wanna go to bed early tonight. Actually I'll probably screw that up. I was laughing as I typed that because I was just thinking I'll likely pull a move my dad is notorious for. He usually watches all of NASCAR's pre race coverage and then falls asleep in the first 50 laps, waking up periodically to check the status. Like father like son. But I digress. I don't know if I'm excited for this surgery to tell us what's wrong with my lungs or if I'm nervous about the overnight in the hospital and the anxiety that will ensue being out of work for about a week while I recover. Guess either way I'll have plenty of time to share my feelings with you. If you wanna come visit me after I'm a free man I would encourage it. Not sure I'll be the best host but I bet I'll be able to sit and watch a movie with you :). Until then, keep your stick on the ice.

If you will it, it might actually happen

So I've found your overall mindset and attitude matters with all this crap. After the last appointment I started to mentally prepare myself for a situation I might have to deal with and when it came up, I was ready and didn't have to wait for the shock to wear off. Yeah I know that's really vague but there are a lot of unknowns right now so I don't want to get into too much detail until I know more. Otherwise people worry about worst case scenarios and start to make assumptions and before ya know it, I'm stuck putting out fires I didn't even start. Stay tuned y'all, big email update and lots of feels here later next week. You stay classy San Diego.

24 hours, not Jack Bauer related

You'd think with all the ups and downs lately that there's no way I could be happy for a whole day right? WRONG! I don't see it going away any time soon especially because I'm prepping for the biggest video project I've ever worked on tomorrow evening. I pity the fool who tries to bring me down now.

Let's end this on a high note

From the time I left Lovin' Cup Idol last night right up until about 5pm today, all I wanted to do was lay in bed and not move for a week. Work was a struggle at best. I went from a feeling of depression to anxiety in one day all the while thinking, can't these two just balance out so everything will be ok?

When I left work, I stopped by to see a friend and pick up some microphones for a video shoot I'm doing later this week. Then I started running the shoot and how I will edit it through my head. When I was there we also talked about the upcoming Rochester Redwings season and it began to get pumped up for my favorite seasonal job. When I got home I looked around my apartment and realised how messy it was. For the first time in days I was finally motivated to do something about it.

Had to take a quick break because I promised my co-worker Bailey I'd go with him to get his ears pierced. While I was already at my favorite pierce shop Dorje Adornments I could also get my lip ring put back in. Bailey made it through without incident and it was fun to see someone get their first piercing. On the way home I stopped to get Moe's for dinner, one of my favorites. When I got home I finally had time to clean up, watch the Bruins with their 10th in a row and talk to Cassie. As I write this, I'm also starting a new TV show called Resurrection. Now I'm in a much better mood. Let's hope this one hangs on for a while.

Like...OMG, totally!

I'm over having cancer. I know that kinda sounds stupid cause why would you ever be stoked for it in the first place? If you didn't know already, I love attention and all the attention I got from my diagnosis was fun at first. Now there are so many aspects of dealing with this crap that I'm ready to be done with. The worst part is when I got my new CT it showed MORE inflammation in my lungs. Whatever is causing it is not bacterial. Friday I have the pleasure of a bronchoscopy so we can figure out what the fuck is going on.

So once we figure out what's up with the lungs then we'll know how many cycles of chemo, how much radiation and if there's going to be any surgery before all that. Like I said, I'm like totes over this like...for real.

Roller Coaster...(of love?)

Wanna talk about the ups and downs of long term illness? I lived it over the past few days. Thursday I started my own company, Top Shelf Productions. I'm starting to take my passion for video production and editing more serious. I mean I paid for 4 years of college so I might as well get some return on what I learned during that time. So if you're in need my my skills then please send me an email topshelf585@gmail.com

My interpersonal relationships keep changing. Some people I thought would be there have seemed to become more distant lately. I'm getting closer with people I didn't expect would want to get involved in this mess. I'm meeting new people through social network sites when I search different hashtags. That part is cool because I meet people my age with my diagnosis having the same tests done and being pumped with the same drugs. Kinda gives me that warm fuzzy feeling because I know I'm not the only one in the world who has to deal with this crap.

*Shit is about to get real* For the first time in a loooong time I found myself wanting to cry for almost no reason at all. It sucked and it happened twice in the last 4 days. Thank God for mood altering drugs (don't worry, they're all prescribed to me). As I write this, I'm about 17 hours from finding out where the cancer is and what the treatment is going to be. If any of my co-workers are reading this I want to apologize in advance for my lack of focus Tuesday morning. I never want to use my disease as an excuse, but sometimes it's going to require more of my attention than other things I'm doing.

I hope the people I thought would be there for me come around and prove me right. When everything gets real, that's when you find out who your real friends are. About 18 months ago I was in a tough spot and my boy Jay was there for me without me even having to ask and he's continued to do the same now. No I can't give individual thank yous to everyone who helps in some way, I just wanna point out that not all hope is lost and I did guess correctly when this started.

Seems like the best time for writing is after Lovin' Cup Idol. I'm already in work mode with my camera so I try to keep that mentality and write this out for all y'all. B-T-Dubs you should get pumped for the video I'm working on for the competition finale. If you can't be here March 24 then stay tuned to my Vimeo page later that week. Hopefully Dr. Bernstein does me a solid and waits until the 25th to start my treatment because this is going to be my best piece of video work to date. This is the first project since college where I get to produce, shoot and edit the whole thing. My favorite way to edit is when I also shoot the video because I can work the camera while thinking about what I can do with it in post production.

Like I said, test results and treatment schedule coming tomorrow. If you want to be on the list for all the latest news updates please send me your email address. Oh yeah, be sure like Top Shelf Productions on Facebook and follow me on Twitter.

#dropthemic

Two things...count em...one, two

So after re-reading my entry from last night I wanna make sure everyone knows one small thing. I'm not saying you don't know how I feel but after talking to other people my age with my diagnosis, there's no way to really wrap your head around it. When I received my diagnosis in January I had this quick back and forth with the Nurse Practitioner:

NP: Hodgkins Lymphoma blah blah blah, chemo and radiation blah blah blah (I stopped listening at
        one point)
Me: So, I have cancer?
NP: Yes
Me: Say it out loud please.

When he looked me in the eye and said "You have cancer.", that's when everything becomes real and that's when you know what it feels like. Make sense? I just hope I didn't hurt anybody's feelings.

Point number two has nothing to do with the first. I spent the evening at a restaurant called Lovin' Cup for their singing competition called Lovin' Cup Idol. For the second year I've done video work to be played during the competition. Tonight I sat at the "big kid's media table" with my homie Steph who runs a live twitter feed on @lovincupidol. For some reason tonight I enjoyed myself more than pervious weeks while I recorded the performances. For a few hours I forgot I was sick, I felt normal, I felt 100% alive. Added bonus that I got to see radio stars Megan Carter , Justine and saw my man Logan KILL IT with So Last Year. My twitter got a shoutout from @lovincupidol, music director for the competition Willie dropped my name during intermission announcements and I gave away a business card to someone who might want to use my expert abilities in the field of video editing. I had an awesome night.

Like I said, I'll have my good days and bad days. Today was a good day. 

Son, that's the question

I could stand here for hours just to ask God the question "Is everyone here make-believe?" With a tear in His voice, He says "Son, that's the question." Does this deafening silence mean nothing to no one but me?

~Mayday Parade

I've listened to that song more times than I can count and while I never knew the exact lyrics in the chorus I always dug the way the voice mixed with the music. It's very ballad-ish and sometimes it might be the song you skip while driving in the car 'cause it's not upbeat enough to be driving music. However, the other day while driving home from the second (or third or fourth job depending on how I rank them that day) around 10pm, I stopped in the mall parking lot so I could look up the lyrics.

If you've known me for any length of time, then you know I can find a song to fit every minute of my life depending on how I'm feeling at that exact moment. At that second in that minute I found one called "You Be The Anchor That Keeps My Feet On The Ground, I'll Be The Wings That Keep Your Heart In The Clouds" by Mayday Parade. I pulled into my driveway almost in tears just wanting a hug because I realized I'm stuck in a very weird place.

I know I'm surrounded by people who love and care about me both in my zip code and across the country. This is even more evident with all the likes and comments I get whenever I post something new on Facebook. For lack of a better word it's amazing that so many people care so much. What makes it difficult however is I know I can't respond to every email, Facebook Message and text message every day because I don't have a secretary like every other rock star or actor that gets so much attention. This actually creates a problem for me because as a result I don't get a chance to talk to as many people as I'd like to on a daily or weekly basis.

Where that leaves me is...stuck in the middle of being pleasantly overwhelmed by the number of people who want to talk to me yet also feeling alone at the same time. I've done this before, I try to put myself in the head of somebody that's going through some real shit and I've realized lately you can't, you just can't. There are so many ups and downs when it comes to a disease like this where one day everything is fine and the next you wake up and everything sucks for what seems like no reason at all. It's a feeling of isolation and wondering why the rest of the world seems to be having a normal day when yours seems like crap. No it's not depression, I've been on drugs for that for a while and it would be so much worse without them.

You'd think being in the middle of isolation and 100 people is the happy medium but it's not. Where I sit is the middle of two extremes pulling me in the same direction with the same amount of force. It's exhausting, that's the only way to describe it because it's all mixed with the anticipation my new scans and how those will turn out. Oh yeah and there's going to be the side effects from chemo and radiation to worry about.

Let me sum it up for you, there are a lot of unknowns right now and once there is some light shed on them I'll have plenty to say in regard to how I feel about those things. After all, I've never been one to hold back what's on my mind.

 

So I have cancer...

Fancy that eh? Gimme a day or two and I'll think of something deep and meaningful to write here