♫ Here I go again ♫

In the last few days I learned what's going on in my lungs is nothing serious. Kinda sucks I had to go through a strenuous procedure and a surgery requiring 2 nights in the hospital but I guess that's better than having the cancer spread. That's the difference between having 4 or 12 chemo treatments and luckily I'll only have 4. The other thing I learned is I'm FINALLY starting chemo later this month. My first treatment is April 22 and then I'll have radiation when that's over so I'm hoping to be done by the end of July. There's a light at the end of the tunnel now however I have learned that sometimes the light is just a train so I'm cautiously optimistic. Just the fact that I can look at my calender now and I see chemo scheduled on it makes me feel so much better.

During my appointment today it started to get a little more real. Once my awesome nurse Laura sat us (Mom, Cassie and me) down to go over side effects and warning signs for bigger problems, I began to worry a little. I think my biggest fear right now is just the unknown. I know that's so cliche but hang with me for a sec. Chemo affects everybody differently so there's no way to know for sure how my body is going to react. About a week after the first round I should know what to expect for the next two months. Some of what I can deal with is pretty nasty and land me in the hospital for a few days at a time. I have no interest in doing that again any time soon.

My boss called me out today, and I totally deserved it. I haven't worked a full 8 hour day all week as I'm trying not to push my body too hard after surgery. Only problem is after my 6 hours day yesterday, I had to go back and get my concert ticket out of my desk for later in the night. Plans were made 2 months ago for this concert but it sucks when the rest of my team puts in overtime to cover for me and I come off looking selfish. Other than that everything has been pretty good on the employment front so far. Everyone has been very supportive and my boss seems to be tolerant of my constant schedule changes. Since I worry a lot, I just get nervous that one day people will reach their breaking point and things around me start to collapse.

A while back I said it wasn't fun anymore but that kinda changed with the excitement (if that's the right word) of a discovery as to what's going on with my lungs. Now that all I have to look forward to is constant fatigue and other crap like that, it's all back to being no bueno. I had a heart to heart with my boss at one of my part time jobs a while back about how much stress she was dealing with. I used to have her job so I knew her pain. She is a single parent with an 8 year old who requires a lot of her time. Add that to the stress of a retail management job and life can seem pretty tough. During the conversation she mentioned an upcoming overnight stay in Niagara Falls and I saw her eyes light up. That's what you need in life, something to look forward to so now I keep trying to plan things weeks or months away so I have a reason to be excited. I had to call off my trip to New Jersey for the Bruins game with Kev this weekend and a trip Virginia at the end of the month for my cousin's wedding. So when I'm canceling plans as fast as I make them it's tough to look ahead. I am stoked for the event my old man is planning for next month though I'm a little nervous about how much energy it's going to take to say hi to 200+ people. Don't get me wrong though, there will be family in friends all congregated in one place who I haven't seen together in years so I am excited for this.

I've been writing this for about 45 minutes now having started around 945pm because I couldn't sleep and I was hoping to clear my head. The only problem is I'm treating it like homework finding every excuse on the internet to distract myself. So here I am avoiding something I know will help. Hey, I never claimed to be a smart man. Luckily I have 2 friends I'm also talking to on Facebook as I write this to vent to about how I'm feeling. Hopefully they actually care as much as they're pretending. That makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I've never had much self worth so for as much as people seem to care about me, I rarely feel deserving of it so unfortunately I have to keep reminding myself that it's all for real. OK I'll stop being so depressing and needy now. Thanks for reading, it means a lot that you care enough to make this much effort. Goodnight.