So so sorry

I know I said I would update this thing Wednesday night but life happened, and a lot of life happened in the past week. For starters I'm not sure why I'm awake at 8am on a Sunday but I do know I'm glad I brought my ipod dock into my bedroom last night. I'm listening to the new album from The Used. Yeah I know it doesn't come out until Tuesday but I'm a PIRATE and I get what I want. I've listened to it 5 times and I love parts of it and can't stand others. Not about to give you a full album review, just felt like sharing my quick opinion of it.

Monday was the finale of lovin' cup idol and a few people in the greater Rochester area can attest to this, I was nervous as all giddy-up. At work that day, all I could think was I put all the wrong video in and nobody would like it. I spent roughly 10 hours editing a pair of 2 minute videos to play before the finalists performed. When I hit play on the first one I thought my heart was going to beat through my chest, that's how nervous I was. This was my first chance to put Top Shelf Productions on display for the public and fortunately everybody loved them. If any of this annoying medical stuff threatened to get in the way I was going ask the doctors if we could wait. These two videos I knew were going to be the best project I've ever worked on, and they turned out to be exactly what I'd hoped for. You can see them HERE.

Thursday I got some of my best friends together for all you can eat boneless wings and hockey at Quaker Steak and Lube. It was great to have one more night out with the boys before I become incapacitated next week. Not sure if they know how much it means to me that they met me out that night but I guess if they read this, then they'll know. Friday night, Top Shelf had their first paying job recording live music video's for my friend's band So Last Year. We had a 3 camera setup and I'm stoked to get working on these videos next week. Yesterday I spent a couple hours cleaning the apartment so that when I'm sitting at home all next week I wouldn't have to look at a mess. It almost looks respectable around this place...almost. Before that though, it was time for a haircut. My boy Sam volunteered to shave his head with me whenever I was ready to do it. In the event that I don't have the energy to shower next week I chose to buzz it all off now so I didn't have to deal with a greasy tangled mess. His fiance Allison gave up her time and salon chair to do it for us. Kev and Paige both shaved in New Jersey and Syracuse respectively. Here's the before and afters.

There's one person who's leading the race for fund raising all-star. Friend and co-worker Laura entered a 12 hour race to raise money for me. She plans on running for almost the full 12 hours. I might do like...a lap around the track with her. If you'd like info on how to get involved let me know. She also designed a flippin' sweet Team Coozy t-shirt pictured below. According to the website, we get about $10 back from every shirt that's purchased. I already ordered mine, now I just need a nice pair of purple converse to match. If you want one of these bad boys you can purchase one, all you have to do is click on the picture. BTW the offer still stands for a free autographed shirt to the first woman who cuts all her hair off.

I knew on Friday the 21st I would be having surgery but I chose to wait until I met with the surgeon to find out details and a date before I told all of y'all. That surgery is tomorrow, I have to be at the hospital by 6:15am. So maybe it's not that bad to be awake early, maybe I'll wanna go to bed early tonight. Actually I'll probably screw that up. I was laughing as I typed that because I was just thinking I'll likely pull a move my dad is notorious for. He usually watches all of NASCAR's pre race coverage and then falls asleep in the first 50 laps, waking up periodically to check the status. Like father like son. But I digress. I don't know if I'm excited for this surgery to tell us what's wrong with my lungs or if I'm nervous about the overnight in the hospital and the anxiety that will ensue being out of work for about a week while I recover. Guess either way I'll have plenty of time to share my feelings with you. If you wanna come visit me after I'm a free man I would encourage it. Not sure I'll be the best host but I bet I'll be able to sit and watch a movie with you :). Until then, keep your stick on the ice.

If you will it, it might actually happen

So I've found your overall mindset and attitude matters with all this crap. After the last appointment I started to mentally prepare myself for a situation I might have to deal with and when it came up, I was ready and didn't have to wait for the shock to wear off. Yeah I know that's really vague but there are a lot of unknowns right now so I don't want to get into too much detail until I know more. Otherwise people worry about worst case scenarios and start to make assumptions and before ya know it, I'm stuck putting out fires I didn't even start. Stay tuned y'all, big email update and lots of feels here later next week. You stay classy San Diego.

24 hours, not Jack Bauer related

You'd think with all the ups and downs lately that there's no way I could be happy for a whole day right? WRONG! I don't see it going away any time soon especially because I'm prepping for the biggest video project I've ever worked on tomorrow evening. I pity the fool who tries to bring me down now.

Let's end this on a high note

From the time I left Lovin' Cup Idol last night right up until about 5pm today, all I wanted to do was lay in bed and not move for a week. Work was a struggle at best. I went from a feeling of depression to anxiety in one day all the while thinking, can't these two just balance out so everything will be ok?

When I left work, I stopped by to see a friend and pick up some microphones for a video shoot I'm doing later this week. Then I started running the shoot and how I will edit it through my head. When I was there we also talked about the upcoming Rochester Redwings season and it began to get pumped up for my favorite seasonal job. When I got home I looked around my apartment and realised how messy it was. For the first time in days I was finally motivated to do something about it.

Had to take a quick break because I promised my co-worker Bailey I'd go with him to get his ears pierced. While I was already at my favorite pierce shop Dorje Adornments I could also get my lip ring put back in. Bailey made it through without incident and it was fun to see someone get their first piercing. On the way home I stopped to get Moe's for dinner, one of my favorites. When I got home I finally had time to clean up, watch the Bruins with their 10th in a row and talk to Cassie. As I write this, I'm also starting a new TV show called Resurrection. Now I'm in a much better mood. Let's hope this one hangs on for a while.

Like...OMG, totally!

I'm over having cancer. I know that kinda sounds stupid cause why would you ever be stoked for it in the first place? If you didn't know already, I love attention and all the attention I got from my diagnosis was fun at first. Now there are so many aspects of dealing with this crap that I'm ready to be done with. The worst part is when I got my new CT it showed MORE inflammation in my lungs. Whatever is causing it is not bacterial. Friday I have the pleasure of a bronchoscopy so we can figure out what the fuck is going on.

So once we figure out what's up with the lungs then we'll know how many cycles of chemo, how much radiation and if there's going to be any surgery before all that. Like I said, I'm like totes over this like...for real.

Roller Coaster...(of love?)

Wanna talk about the ups and downs of long term illness? I lived it over the past few days. Thursday I started my own company, Top Shelf Productions. I'm starting to take my passion for video production and editing more serious. I mean I paid for 4 years of college so I might as well get some return on what I learned during that time. So if you're in need my my skills then please send me an email topshelf585@gmail.com

My interpersonal relationships keep changing. Some people I thought would be there have seemed to become more distant lately. I'm getting closer with people I didn't expect would want to get involved in this mess. I'm meeting new people through social network sites when I search different hashtags. That part is cool because I meet people my age with my diagnosis having the same tests done and being pumped with the same drugs. Kinda gives me that warm fuzzy feeling because I know I'm not the only one in the world who has to deal with this crap.

*Shit is about to get real* For the first time in a loooong time I found myself wanting to cry for almost no reason at all. It sucked and it happened twice in the last 4 days. Thank God for mood altering drugs (don't worry, they're all prescribed to me). As I write this, I'm about 17 hours from finding out where the cancer is and what the treatment is going to be. If any of my co-workers are reading this I want to apologize in advance for my lack of focus Tuesday morning. I never want to use my disease as an excuse, but sometimes it's going to require more of my attention than other things I'm doing.

I hope the people I thought would be there for me come around and prove me right. When everything gets real, that's when you find out who your real friends are. About 18 months ago I was in a tough spot and my boy Jay was there for me without me even having to ask and he's continued to do the same now. No I can't give individual thank yous to everyone who helps in some way, I just wanna point out that not all hope is lost and I did guess correctly when this started.

Seems like the best time for writing is after Lovin' Cup Idol. I'm already in work mode with my camera so I try to keep that mentality and write this out for all y'all. B-T-Dubs you should get pumped for the video I'm working on for the competition finale. If you can't be here March 24 then stay tuned to my Vimeo page later that week. Hopefully Dr. Bernstein does me a solid and waits until the 25th to start my treatment because this is going to be my best piece of video work to date. This is the first project since college where I get to produce, shoot and edit the whole thing. My favorite way to edit is when I also shoot the video because I can work the camera while thinking about what I can do with it in post production.

Like I said, test results and treatment schedule coming tomorrow. If you want to be on the list for all the latest news updates please send me your email address. Oh yeah, be sure like Top Shelf Productions on Facebook and follow me on Twitter.

#dropthemic

Two things...count em...one, two

So after re-reading my entry from last night I wanna make sure everyone knows one small thing. I'm not saying you don't know how I feel but after talking to other people my age with my diagnosis, there's no way to really wrap your head around it. When I received my diagnosis in January I had this quick back and forth with the Nurse Practitioner:

NP: Hodgkins Lymphoma blah blah blah, chemo and radiation blah blah blah (I stopped listening at
        one point)
Me: So, I have cancer?
NP: Yes
Me: Say it out loud please.

When he looked me in the eye and said "You have cancer.", that's when everything becomes real and that's when you know what it feels like. Make sense? I just hope I didn't hurt anybody's feelings.

Point number two has nothing to do with the first. I spent the evening at a restaurant called Lovin' Cup for their singing competition called Lovin' Cup Idol. For the second year I've done video work to be played during the competition. Tonight I sat at the "big kid's media table" with my homie Steph who runs a live twitter feed on @lovincupidol. For some reason tonight I enjoyed myself more than pervious weeks while I recorded the performances. For a few hours I forgot I was sick, I felt normal, I felt 100% alive. Added bonus that I got to see radio stars Megan Carter , Justine and saw my man Logan KILL IT with So Last Year. My twitter got a shoutout from @lovincupidol, music director for the competition Willie dropped my name during intermission announcements and I gave away a business card to someone who might want to use my expert abilities in the field of video editing. I had an awesome night.

Like I said, I'll have my good days and bad days. Today was a good day. 

Son, that's the question

I could stand here for hours just to ask God the question "Is everyone here make-believe?" With a tear in His voice, He says "Son, that's the question." Does this deafening silence mean nothing to no one but me?

~Mayday Parade

I've listened to that song more times than I can count and while I never knew the exact lyrics in the chorus I always dug the way the voice mixed with the music. It's very ballad-ish and sometimes it might be the song you skip while driving in the car 'cause it's not upbeat enough to be driving music. However, the other day while driving home from the second (or third or fourth job depending on how I rank them that day) around 10pm, I stopped in the mall parking lot so I could look up the lyrics.

If you've known me for any length of time, then you know I can find a song to fit every minute of my life depending on how I'm feeling at that exact moment. At that second in that minute I found one called "You Be The Anchor That Keeps My Feet On The Ground, I'll Be The Wings That Keep Your Heart In The Clouds" by Mayday Parade. I pulled into my driveway almost in tears just wanting a hug because I realized I'm stuck in a very weird place.

I know I'm surrounded by people who love and care about me both in my zip code and across the country. This is even more evident with all the likes and comments I get whenever I post something new on Facebook. For lack of a better word it's amazing that so many people care so much. What makes it difficult however is I know I can't respond to every email, Facebook Message and text message every day because I don't have a secretary like every other rock star or actor that gets so much attention. This actually creates a problem for me because as a result I don't get a chance to talk to as many people as I'd like to on a daily or weekly basis.

Where that leaves me is...stuck in the middle of being pleasantly overwhelmed by the number of people who want to talk to me yet also feeling alone at the same time. I've done this before, I try to put myself in the head of somebody that's going through some real shit and I've realized lately you can't, you just can't. There are so many ups and downs when it comes to a disease like this where one day everything is fine and the next you wake up and everything sucks for what seems like no reason at all. It's a feeling of isolation and wondering why the rest of the world seems to be having a normal day when yours seems like crap. No it's not depression, I've been on drugs for that for a while and it would be so much worse without them.

You'd think being in the middle of isolation and 100 people is the happy medium but it's not. Where I sit is the middle of two extremes pulling me in the same direction with the same amount of force. It's exhausting, that's the only way to describe it because it's all mixed with the anticipation my new scans and how those will turn out. Oh yeah and there's going to be the side effects from chemo and radiation to worry about.

Let me sum it up for you, there are a lot of unknowns right now and once there is some light shed on them I'll have plenty to say in regard to how I feel about those things. After all, I've never been one to hold back what's on my mind.

 

So I have cancer...

Fancy that eh? Gimme a day or two and I'll think of something deep and meaningful to write here