~Mayday Parade
I've listened to that song more times than I can count and while I never knew the exact lyrics in the chorus I always dug the way the voice mixed with the music. It's very ballad-ish and sometimes it might be the song you skip while driving in the car 'cause it's not upbeat enough to be driving music. However, the other day while driving home from the second (or third or fourth job depending on how I rank them that day) around 10pm, I stopped in the mall parking lot so I could look up the lyrics.
If you've known me for any length of time, then you know I can find a song to fit every minute of my life depending on how I'm feeling at that exact moment. At that second in that minute I found one called "You Be The Anchor That Keeps My Feet On The Ground, I'll Be The Wings That Keep Your Heart In The Clouds" by Mayday Parade. I pulled into my driveway almost in tears just wanting a hug because I realized I'm stuck in a very weird place.
I know I'm surrounded by people who love and care about me both in my zip code and across the country. This is even more evident with all the likes and comments I get whenever I post something new on Facebook. For lack of a better word it's amazing that so many people care so much. What makes it difficult however is I know I can't respond to every email, Facebook Message and text message every day because I don't have a secretary like every other rock star or actor that gets so much attention. This actually creates a problem for me because as a result I don't get a chance to talk to as many people as I'd like to on a daily or weekly basis.
Where that leaves me is...stuck in the middle of being pleasantly overwhelmed by the number of people who want to talk to me yet also feeling alone at the same time. I've done this before, I try to put myself in the head of somebody that's going through some real shit and I've realized lately you can't, you just can't. There are so many ups and downs when it comes to a disease like this where one day everything is fine and the next you wake up and everything sucks for what seems like no reason at all. It's a feeling of isolation and wondering why the rest of the world seems to be having a normal day when yours seems like crap. No it's not depression, I've been on drugs for that for a while and it would be so much worse without them.
You'd think being in the middle of isolation and 100 people is the happy medium but it's not. Where I sit is the middle of two extremes pulling me in the same direction with the same amount of force. It's exhausting, that's the only way to describe it because it's all mixed with the anticipation my new scans and how those will turn out. Oh yeah and there's going to be the side effects from chemo and radiation to worry about.
Let me sum it up for you, there are a lot of unknowns right now and once there is some light shed on them I'll have plenty to say in regard to how I feel about those things. After all, I've never been one to hold back what's on my mind.
Yes, my son there are indeed sunsets and silhouette dreams. The sunsets will come every day, as you will realize over the next 75 years of your life. Next month we will stand by the ocean so you can embrace the sunset with your entire being. Your dreams need not be merely silhouettes however . This illness is but a blip on the radar of your life. Continue to develop your life plan as we had discussed recently because you have a lot more life to live once this is finished.
ReplyDeleteI love you always and forever.
Mom
It took me a while to read through your blog. I simply wanted to do it justice, really take the time to read it, digest it, and understand it, the way you intended. As you may have known, I've had my fair share of illness and disease. Having had gone through that, I will never utter the words that "I know how you feel" because no one can ever say that but you. But in some small way, I can relate. I know how overwhelmed with love and support you feel one minute, but then how very alone the next. I hated it when people would say things (cliches really) to make me feel better, none of it did nor could make me feel better. So I won't do that for you because I know it won't help. Just know that I am here and that means whatever you want that to be... a fan, a friend, someone who cares enought to read what you have to say and simply to listen. I'm here....
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