Story of my life

My PET scan is all clear. Here's the before and after treatment scans to show you the difference.

You'd think I would be jumping up and down about being cancer free but I'm indifferent at best. I was told that's more normal that I'd think because we tend to prepare ourselves for the worse, so when the best case scenario comes around the news isn't AS great to hear you would think. Don't get me wrong I'm happy to be cancer free, but something about the whole situation just seems...off. Maybe that will all change on Friday when I meet with my oncologist and she gives me the plan for the next year or so.

So that's the good news, I can now say I've been cancer free for over 3 months. I use the day after my last radiation treatment has my first cancer free day. It's absolutely a relief knowing I won't have to be injected with 4 poison liquids, one of which I can literally feel going into me. And I won't have to get the terrible radiation that dried my mouth so badly it lead to an infection.

There are a few people who were happy enough for both of us to hear this news. Where my day all changes is when I had to go shooting my mouth off and ruin the moment. I'm not going to sit here and cry about it so you feel bad for me but like the title says, this is what I do. One day I'll learn to just shut up and accept the fact that once in a while I deserve something good in my life. It's just tough to do that when there is such a history of negatives and thinking I don't deserve anything different. One day.

Waiting is the hardest part

I had a PET scan Monday afternoon and I'll find out the results Wednesday morning, about 12 hours after I've written this. This is the most anxious I've been during the last 10 months because the results will tell me if I still have cancer or not. Words can't describe what it's like to wonder if you'll have to go through the same agony of treatments again. Having to wait for this news so far has been in the back of my mind for the better part of a month. Hopefully tomorrow there is much, much less to worry about

I know I suck

So I realized it's been about a month since I was here talking to you and for that I apologize. However, I also haven't had much to report since radiation ended. Seems like my taste buds are back for the most part. I ate some chocolate pudding tonight and it didn't taste like cardboard which is cool. Seemed like sweets and more specifically chocolate were the last tastes to come back. Spicy foods still hit me harder than they used to as the lining in my mouth continues to heal. My hair is another story, I haven't shaved my face in about 6 weeks and the hair on the bottom back of my head refuses to grow back. In the meantime I just get lots of haircuts and wait for my PET scan to come around in October. Cheers to things appearing to get a lil' bit better.

Today's special

I had a double cheeseburger with katsup, mustard and onion, cucumber tomato salad and a PBR for dinner. I could taste all of it. I'd call today a success.

I tried

The next time I talked to you here it was supposed to be a much happier entry about how my mouth has healed and everything is getting better. It was supposed to be that way. While my mouth is healing nicely everything is far from ok. I'm not happy and I haven't been since radiation started. Nothing is going my way, some of it cancer related and some of it isn't.

My most recent appointment I found out the next scan will be in October so I can stay the hell away from the hospital until then. I'll get check-ups every 3 months for a year, then 6 months for a year and finally 12 months until 5 years from now. Of course that's something to be excited about and I am. God knows I'm tired of being in that hospital and the routine of the standard procedure. I hate that the techs don't have to tell me to get on the scale then sit down for my blood pressure, I already know. Then I guess which room number I'll get and proceed to wait for the nurse to come see me. She'll leave and a few minutes later the doctor comes in and we talk it out. Then I check out and schedule everything for the future. You'd think the day is over by the time you get done with this but I still have 8 hours of work ahead of me.

There's the next challenge. I don't know where I fit in at my full-time job anymore. The team I thought I was a major part of has gotten along fine without me, save a few hours of overtime on their part. When I am there I'm tired, exhausted and don't have the patience to deal with anything or anyone. Then there comes the feeling that everyone around me are tired of my situation and don't want to deal with me. That leads me to feel...well...I don't even know what and all I can do is feel angry that I'm no longer part of a team I helped build over the last 3 years. Not that I was pushed out but it was able to adapt and overcome without me. I guess I should be glad that what I helped build can endure but it still sucks to be left in the dust like that.

When my 8 hours are done the only thing left to do is go home, alone, the worst part of it all. When you're left like that, all you can do is think about how much everything else sucks. Add to that you're in a room by yourself with nobody to help fix it and you're caught in a cycle that never ends. Well, Xanax helps a little bit. It puts me in a situation where I look for help in something or someone that masks the trouble in the meantime, but makes things even worse in the long run. No Mom I'm not on drugs. For example a friend can come visit  but as soon as they leave, I'm left feeling hopeless and alone again. The problem is sometimes I wish people would want to help but they wouldn't know there's a problem unless I tell them. I'm not gonna do that because I don't want to burden anyone with a problem that's eventually going to fix itself. No this isn't a backward ass way of me asking for help. If anything It's my typing out my thoughts so I can re-read it 10 times and try to make sense of my own head. If you're able to make sense of it as well, more power to your and lemme know how you're able to break it down. I was in therapy for 6 months and in that time we were able to get to one minor conclusion so I'll accept any hypothesis at this point

I don't know if I can wrap this all up nicely with a bow by saying "cancer sucks" cause it does but I think there's a deeper issue somewhere in there I need to uncover. When I'm at a race track with a beer in my hand and that's not enough to keep me away from the prescription mood altering drugs, well then I know there's a problem for sure. Cancer just adds more fuel to the fire and makes it all the more difficult to figure out. I need to grow up and get over these stupid issues but even months and months of therapy didn't really get me anywhere so I'm trying to figure out what's next. If you have any ideas let me know. Coozy...out!

...and another one and another one...

My week slowly went downhill. The side effects from radiation caused my mouth break out in open sores leaving me unable to eat much. Think of how much a canker sore sucks and how bad it would be if one went from corner to corner in your mouth across your bottom lip, it sucks. One thing you should be able to do as an adult is feed yourself so when it takes a half hour to eat a bowl of soup I'm left feeling helpless. My jaw hurts less in the last couple days so I can eat more solid foods now but it's still slow.

Two things saved my shitty mood, one was hanging out with Cassie Saturday afternoon and Sunday Mom, Mike and Bridget made the drive from Syracuse for the Corn Hill Art Festival. It rained most of the time they were hear but I was still so happy to see them. It always means a lot when family and friends drive out to see me. I make the trip so often because that's where the family and friends all live but to have them make the effort means the world.

I'm taking a couple days off from work this week. I'm physically able to do my job but I feel like the infection in my mouth would do well with me not straining my body at all. Hopefully by Thursday it will heal up enough that I can go to Quaker Steak and Lube for all you can eat boneless wings night. I planned it with the guys at work and I'm really looking forward to it.

I want to say thank you to whomever reads this and has visited me, called, sent a card, email or even a text to check up on me. I love knowing people are thinking about me and they care enough to ask.

+1/-1

Bad news first, my hair is falling out in clumps so I'm going to get is shaved again. The good news is I ate some salad today. Why is this a big deal? It's the most solid food I've eaten in the past week if you don't count overcooked pasta. Maybe tomorrow I'll try a chunky soup if I'm feelin' squirrely.

Warped Tour yesterday was AWESOME! So glad I went because I was able to finally see Crown The Empire (who were amazing) and I got to meet Beebs from Beebs and Her Money Makers. I found out about her band from watching a show that documents the life of the Warped Tour set-up crew and a few bands on tour. Cassie and I watched the show together and we fell in love with Beebs because she's just so cute an awesome. Without looking for sympathy or anything like that I told her I'd finished radiation the day before and she sounded genuinely happy to hear that, immediately throwing her arms around me for a big hug. There are some good people in the world, I'm starting to see that more and more these days.