I tried

The next time I talked to you here it was supposed to be a much happier entry about how my mouth has healed and everything is getting better. It was supposed to be that way. While my mouth is healing nicely everything is far from ok. I'm not happy and I haven't been since radiation started. Nothing is going my way, some of it cancer related and some of it isn't.

My most recent appointment I found out the next scan will be in October so I can stay the hell away from the hospital until then. I'll get check-ups every 3 months for a year, then 6 months for a year and finally 12 months until 5 years from now. Of course that's something to be excited about and I am. God knows I'm tired of being in that hospital and the routine of the standard procedure. I hate that the techs don't have to tell me to get on the scale then sit down for my blood pressure, I already know. Then I guess which room number I'll get and proceed to wait for the nurse to come see me. She'll leave and a few minutes later the doctor comes in and we talk it out. Then I check out and schedule everything for the future. You'd think the day is over by the time you get done with this but I still have 8 hours of work ahead of me.

There's the next challenge. I don't know where I fit in at my full-time job anymore. The team I thought I was a major part of has gotten along fine without me, save a few hours of overtime on their part. When I am there I'm tired, exhausted and don't have the patience to deal with anything or anyone. Then there comes the feeling that everyone around me are tired of my situation and don't want to deal with me. That leads me to feel...well...I don't even know what and all I can do is feel angry that I'm no longer part of a team I helped build over the last 3 years. Not that I was pushed out but it was able to adapt and overcome without me. I guess I should be glad that what I helped build can endure but it still sucks to be left in the dust like that.

When my 8 hours are done the only thing left to do is go home, alone, the worst part of it all. When you're left like that, all you can do is think about how much everything else sucks. Add to that you're in a room by yourself with nobody to help fix it and you're caught in a cycle that never ends. Well, Xanax helps a little bit. It puts me in a situation where I look for help in something or someone that masks the trouble in the meantime, but makes things even worse in the long run. No Mom I'm not on drugs. For example a friend can come visit  but as soon as they leave, I'm left feeling hopeless and alone again. The problem is sometimes I wish people would want to help but they wouldn't know there's a problem unless I tell them. I'm not gonna do that because I don't want to burden anyone with a problem that's eventually going to fix itself. No this isn't a backward ass way of me asking for help. If anything It's my typing out my thoughts so I can re-read it 10 times and try to make sense of my own head. If you're able to make sense of it as well, more power to your and lemme know how you're able to break it down. I was in therapy for 6 months and in that time we were able to get to one minor conclusion so I'll accept any hypothesis at this point

I don't know if I can wrap this all up nicely with a bow by saying "cancer sucks" cause it does but I think there's a deeper issue somewhere in there I need to uncover. When I'm at a race track with a beer in my hand and that's not enough to keep me away from the prescription mood altering drugs, well then I know there's a problem for sure. Cancer just adds more fuel to the fire and makes it all the more difficult to figure out. I need to grow up and get over these stupid issues but even months and months of therapy didn't really get me anywhere so I'm trying to figure out what's next. If you have any ideas let me know. Coozy...out!