Schwag

The order for 300 F-Cancer koozies is in, $4 each. These things are BOSS! I also attached a pic of everything I currently have to sell.

A week later

A week after my first treatment all I can tell you is chemo SUCKS! Starting with the needle put in my forearm to the 4th drug burning as it went into my veins and ending with the ridiculous dizziness that comes around every time I drive or walk more than 10 feet. I know, they pumped me full of poison so I'm supposed to feel crappy but I wasn't ready for this at all.

Lemme take a sec and take you to school about chemo. It's designed to kill rapidly dividing cells which include cancer, platelets (they allow your blood to clot) and white blood cells which fight infection. Hair is also a rapidly dividng, that's why a lot of people lose their hair during chemo. So with all these cells dying off at such a rate, your body is left with close to nothing to live one. That's not to say I'm barely alive the day after chemo but it's the reason why I feel so useless and can't do much but lay on the couch.

I had an appointment Monday to talk about side effects and any changes we need to make before round 2. The nausea meds have been adjusted and one of them also helps me sleep since I've had a hard time doing that in the last week. I also learned my Dr. is leaving the hospital for a new job in July which is right around the time I'll be ending radiation. Kinda sucks because I really like him and I've trusted him from the beginning. Plus, the dude wears cowboy boots to work everyday how can you not love that? After my appointment I went to work which is what responsible people do when they have a job. It was harder than I thought because the dizziness is still hanging around. It's tough when you have to keep walking in circles and turn your head a lot. I talked to my boss and she agreed to send me home with some supplies so I could fill greeting card orders from my couch. Hopefully this works well and will allow me to get paid but also work on my own time. I feel like I can be more productive if I can work for a half hour or so and take a break, something I wouldn't feel comfortable doing if I was there.

In other news, the benefit in Syracuse is less a week away and I'm sooooo stoked to see all my family and friends in one spot. I've said before you need things in life to look forward to and what's better than seeing so many people I care about and I know care about me. AND the night before that, a bunch of us are going to Fulton Speedway. I haven't been to a weekend dirt track with my old man and brother in years. PS Mike's girlfriend Bridget was super awesome when we talked about this upcoming weekend. When it came up in a text conversation she "requests my presence for a least a night sleepover (at their apartment) because the last time was way too much fun". People who treat you like that you're gonna wanna keep them around for a while, they obviously care about you. I just hope Mike's OK with his girlfriend inviting me to a slumber party :-P.

So this week I'm just going to try and grind it out and my goal is to work 20 hours without killing myself. Wish me luck and hopefully I'll see ya Sunday. Oh yeah and we have buttons now, $1 each.

Round 1. FIGHT!

You automatically get 3 points if you recognize which video game I pulled a line from to get the title for this entry. I had my first round of chemo yesterday and I'll tell ya something, it's not fun. Two of the were pushed in with a syringe and the other two hang and drip. The combination of drugs I'm on is called ABVD, they stand for Adriamycin, Bleomycin, Vinblastine and Darcarbacine. The first three went through pretty easy but the Darcarbacine SUCKS! They have to monitor how it's going in and mixed with saline solution otherwise it burns, not just my forearm where the line is put in but also further up the vein in my bicep. The whole process isn't bad, I sit down for the line to be put it and hang out to let some fluids in before the drugs start. There are volunteers who come around with snacks and drinks and I can watch TV or use my computer while the nurse does her thang. Yesterday I finally had some time to focus on some work for Top Shelf Productions, I'm working on 4 live music videos for So Last Year. Half the battle is getting 3 cameras synched up to a pre-recorded track but it's done, now all I have to do is the actual editing.

 I'm home all day today and the rest of the week is all up in the air. I'm taking it one day at a time while I wait to see how the drugs react with my body. If I can get out of the apartment and go to work I'll be more than ahppy to do that but my sturggle is (and always has been) doing too much before I'm actually ready. The first day I think I might be going back to normal I push myself too far and take a step backward. I have to remember I'm sick and there's no getting around it any time soon. So for now I guess I'll just spend the day eating a fridge full of leftovers, napping, drinking Powerade Zero and maybe start a new TV show. Hope your day has more adventure than mine.

If I knew all about this one thing, wouldn’t that be something

Something's afoot and it's buggin' me that I can't figure it out. My overall mood changed on Friday when I went to the hospital and something has been off ever since. It reached a fever pitch this afternoon when I was watching an episode of Entourage and I had a sudden feeling of paranoia and there was imminent danger ahead, not a panic attack but just something was wrong. I believe this is clinically known as extreme anxiety. Worst part is I knew the whole time it was silly and nothing was actually wrong but I still couldn't get it out of my head that even though I was laying on the couch minding my own business, something would happen. I know, sounds like fun doesn't it? Back to work tomorrow, should be an interesting day because I have no idea how my chest and shoulder are going to hold up.

I've got to admit it's getting better, a little better all the time

I woke up this morning and the pain had dropped significantly overnight. Not gone but much better and more manageable. Since everything in life is a trade-off I couldn't seem to get out of a funk all morning and afternoon. Luckily Xanax came to the rescue which is good cause I had a hot date scheduled for later in the evening. Amanda was in town for her sister's bridal shower and planned a extra day into her trip just so she could see me. She lives in Florida so we don't get to hang very often. She was my reason for getting off the couch and going outside for the first time since Friday afternoon when I got out of the ER. I didn't go crazy though, just got up long enough to get dinner at Pelligrino's and sundaes at Yotality. BTW I'm totally diggin' this frozen yogurt trend! Then we went back to my place to watch Anchorman 2. It's awesome I had 2 visitors in one weekend. Even though I seem to be going in the right direction, I'm still not working Monday in the hopes that I can stay on top of this thing. My hope is by Tuesday I'll be even closer to normal and possibly even work a full 8 hour work day this week. I know what a novel idea right? It's always good to have goals.

Thanks for stoppin' by part 3

Pain is still hanging around so now I'm up to 20mg of oxy and switching back and forth between tylenol and advil every 6 hours. Gonna try that through the night and see what's up in the morning. I made a phone call this afternoon and almost cried on the phone. Paiger and Danielle stopped by for a visit since they were in town and I almost cried when they left. Made another call this evening and almost cried a third time. Made another call a few minutes later and didn't almost cry that time. There's a step in the right direction...right? Oh the mood swings of a long term illness are always fun.

Bruins won and clinched best record in the league, saw some friends, and I got more bracelets since you people wanted all 50 from my first batch so quickly. So today wasn't a total waste I guess. Tomorrow I'm expecting another visitor and there's hope that the new regimen of drugs will work. I've watched Shawshank Redemption enough to know that hope is dangerous but it's all I have right now, that and prescription narcotics ;)

Thanks for stoppin' by UPDATE

Pain is still lingering around but the Bruins are beating the Sabres 2-0 in the first period so it's kind of a wash. I woke up at 10am so that means I slept on and off for about 16 hours and oddly enough I'm ready for another nap. I'll wait until 2pm when I'm allowed more pain meds and hopefully that will help knock me out.

Thanks for stoppin' by

With yesterday's trip to the hospital all I can feel is frustrated. They said I made the right decision by coming in but then the fact that they sent me home without really finding a good reason for the pain is annoying. It's been about 26 hour since I went into the ER and the pain is starting to creep back which is making me cranky. I've been sleeping on and off since about 630pm yesterday and it looks like I'll be doing this all day. Had to cancel more plans for this weekend so I could give my body a chance to catch up, that kinda sucks. Sounds like some of the people I was planning to see are going to come to my house for a visit. That should help because I was going crazy last weekend just laying on the couch by myself. Guess I'll have to take it easy again this week which is totally not my style. I like to be up and going all day and then crash hard at night. I'm slowly learning how to be sick but for someone like me who's used to working 55+ hours each week that's a tough transition. Give me time though, I'll figure it out.

♫ Here I go again ♫

In the last few days I learned what's going on in my lungs is nothing serious. Kinda sucks I had to go through a strenuous procedure and a surgery requiring 2 nights in the hospital but I guess that's better than having the cancer spread. That's the difference between having 4 or 12 chemo treatments and luckily I'll only have 4. The other thing I learned is I'm FINALLY starting chemo later this month. My first treatment is April 22 and then I'll have radiation when that's over so I'm hoping to be done by the end of July. There's a light at the end of the tunnel now however I have learned that sometimes the light is just a train so I'm cautiously optimistic. Just the fact that I can look at my calender now and I see chemo scheduled on it makes me feel so much better.

During my appointment today it started to get a little more real. Once my awesome nurse Laura sat us (Mom, Cassie and me) down to go over side effects and warning signs for bigger problems, I began to worry a little. I think my biggest fear right now is just the unknown. I know that's so cliche but hang with me for a sec. Chemo affects everybody differently so there's no way to know for sure how my body is going to react. About a week after the first round I should know what to expect for the next two months. Some of what I can deal with is pretty nasty and land me in the hospital for a few days at a time. I have no interest in doing that again any time soon.

My boss called me out today, and I totally deserved it. I haven't worked a full 8 hour day all week as I'm trying not to push my body too hard after surgery. Only problem is after my 6 hours day yesterday, I had to go back and get my concert ticket out of my desk for later in the night. Plans were made 2 months ago for this concert but it sucks when the rest of my team puts in overtime to cover for me and I come off looking selfish. Other than that everything has been pretty good on the employment front so far. Everyone has been very supportive and my boss seems to be tolerant of my constant schedule changes. Since I worry a lot, I just get nervous that one day people will reach their breaking point and things around me start to collapse.

A while back I said it wasn't fun anymore but that kinda changed with the excitement (if that's the right word) of a discovery as to what's going on with my lungs. Now that all I have to look forward to is constant fatigue and other crap like that, it's all back to being no bueno. I had a heart to heart with my boss at one of my part time jobs a while back about how much stress she was dealing with. I used to have her job so I knew her pain. She is a single parent with an 8 year old who requires a lot of her time. Add that to the stress of a retail management job and life can seem pretty tough. During the conversation she mentioned an upcoming overnight stay in Niagara Falls and I saw her eyes light up. That's what you need in life, something to look forward to so now I keep trying to plan things weeks or months away so I have a reason to be excited. I had to call off my trip to New Jersey for the Bruins game with Kev this weekend and a trip Virginia at the end of the month for my cousin's wedding. So when I'm canceling plans as fast as I make them it's tough to look ahead. I am stoked for the event my old man is planning for next month though I'm a little nervous about how much energy it's going to take to say hi to 200+ people. Don't get me wrong though, there will be family in friends all congregated in one place who I haven't seen together in years so I am excited for this.

I've been writing this for about 45 minutes now having started around 945pm because I couldn't sleep and I was hoping to clear my head. The only problem is I'm treating it like homework finding every excuse on the internet to distract myself. So here I am avoiding something I know will help. Hey, I never claimed to be a smart man. Luckily I have 2 friends I'm also talking to on Facebook as I write this to vent to about how I'm feeling. Hopefully they actually care as much as they're pretending. That makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I've never had much self worth so for as much as people seem to care about me, I rarely feel deserving of it so unfortunately I have to keep reminding myself that it's all for real. OK I'll stop being so depressing and needy now. Thanks for reading, it means a lot that you care enough to make this much effort. Goodnight.

Back to work

Being less than a week out of surgery I was on the fence about working for the Rochester Red Wings during opening weekend. I was scheduled to work in the control room which is a lot less strenuous than camera. Saturday's game was postponed so the only one I had to work was Sunday. As soon as I walked in the door I knew I made the right choice. I love the people and the atmosphere of the ballpark. Sure I start to get sick of it in August but for the first three quarters of the season it's great! Best part is this year my boy Sam is working on the TV crew with me. Around 4pm I started to feel the strain of doing something that wasn't just sitting on the couch and watching TV. AND the game went to extra innings so when we got out of there around 6:30 I was hurting a little but it was worth it. I told my boss there's no way I'd be able to work the other two games this week and luckily he was OK with me backing out. It just felt good to be back doing a job I love so much. Here's to a successful third season!

Hockey always gives out 3 stars at the end of the game for those who excelled during the match. I'm going to give out 4 stars in no particular order for people who went above and beyond for me this week. First is Sam who drove me to Frontier Field so I could work for Red Wings and out to get dinner after the game. Second is Cassie who stayed with me both nights I was in the hospital holding my hand the whole time and took care of me when I got home. Third star goes to Kev for buying 300 Team Coozy bracelets. I'll have some later this week, if you live outside of Rochester you can buy one right from Kev and he will mail it to you. The last star is shared between a few people who share blood with me. Aunt Jeanine came to see me the afternoon I got out of the hospital to make sure I was prepped for the next few days. Mom stayed in Rochester for 2 nights and all the daylight hours in my hospital room. Dad called from Florida every day to check on me. Mike scheduled his Tuesday so he could see me in the morning and meet clients in the afternoon. Cousin Fred made the four hour round trip drive just to hang out with me for a few hours after he got out of work on Thursday. It really is the little things that make having a long term illness just a little more bearable.

Thank you

On a more positive note

Last night two good things happened. My cousin Fred came to visit. his sole purpose was just to be there, see me and talk. The Bruins happened to be playing so we got to watch our first game together in I don't know how long. That's special because this is the man who gave me my first Bruins hat when I was much younger. I think I still have it kickin' around somewhere. The second was I found out my friend Kevin bought 300 Team Coozy bracelets and didn't tell me about it until they were already made. He's selling them for $2 each, if you'd like one you're welcome to contact him through the link I added to his name or I can give you his contact info. For those of you in Rochester, you can purchase one from me directly starting next week. See, it is possible to have a good day even when you have cancer :)

At first I was afraid, I was petrified

I made it through the night, though it wasn't easy. I did sleep on and off for about 12 hours which is kinda what I was hoping for. The only down side was when I woke up around 730 I had a killer headache that was starting to make me nauseated. I took some more drugs, went back to sleep and about 2 hours later the headache is a lot more manageable. This is going to sound stupid but I'm going to say it anyway. This sucks. Nothing about it is fun. But my cousin Fred is coming to visit tonight, I'm so stoked I haven't seen him since October!

Home Sweet Home

I've been home for about 6 hours now and for as much as I couldn't wait to get out of the hospital and that bed, there's a small part of me wishing I could go back. Nighttime is scary enough even when you aren't 3 days out of surgery. If there was a problem or a small concern I had at any moment, all I had to do was push the button and talk to a nurse. As you can imagine I didn't sleep much there especially since they took my vitals every 4 hours. The up side to being there though is my overnight nurse, Stefanie is awesome! She seemed willing to stay for an extra minute just to chat and she always laughed at my lame jokes. Cassie is a nurse as well so they were able to use industry jargon and talk shop with each other. Needless to say she helped keep the two of us sane from 7pm until 7am.

Now I'm home alone. I'm not being a pessimist assuming something will go wrong but now there's nobody to talk and nobody getting paid to check up on me. I'm nervous. Chances are everything will be fine but there's always that chance. My alarm is set to go off every 4 hours now so I can take my pain meds. See ya in the morning!

And boom goes the dynamite

I had been dealing with my two night stay in the hospital pretty well emotionally, until now. They pulled my chest tube out at 1130am and that's when I seemed to crash. Once it was out I felt like I had no fight left in me and I was mentally defeated. Maybe it's because getting the tube out was a big step towards going home and on the inside I knew I wouldn't have to deal with this much longer. Typically I can go for a walk and listen to music to clear my head but even doing a few laps around the halls here didn't quite do it for me. I'm ready to just go home, sit on my couch and be done with the hospital for a while.

The past 3 days have taken a lot out of me physically and mentally and I don't know how I'll be able to put up this kind of fight again. It could just be a learning curve though since these were my first overnights in a hospital. Who knows, maybe after I'm back home I'll be able to think more clearly. Until then...your guess is as good as mine.

Let's play two

Stuck in this hell hole for at least another night, that's the bad news this morning. The good news is I have an omelet, bacon fruit cup cinnamon and 2 Gatorades on the way for breakfast. If you can keep a secret, my mom said she would sneak me outside to go for a walk since it's supposed to be 60+ degrees.

The pain overnight was almost unbearable. Add that to trying to move around every few minutes to get comfortable and I almost cried. They're adding some type of Motrin based pain killer and upping how much oxycodone by 50% so shit's starting to get real.

Cassie deserves a medal because she stayed with me all night trying to keep me entertained while I was awake. I only slept for a few hours. She says she's going home for a nap then coming back to take care of me again tonight. Mom's a trooper too, he was up at 530 Monday morning and stayed til about 9pm. Then she was back to the hospital by 7am. I'm lucky to have two such awesome ladies sticking around me.

The thought of just one dream it consumes me

I've been awake since 4:45am Monday morning. As I start writing this it's 1:05am Tuesday morning. If you don't count the time I was out for surgery I've slept a total of 20 minutes and it doesn't look like that's going to change any time soon.

**warning, it's about to get all medical and graphic and a lil gross up in here**

When I woke up for surgery I was in probably the worst pain ever, I rated it 8/10 and they kept pumping me with pain killers every 5 minutes. Since noon it's been at a consistent 4 which is better but I still can't move much. The last 2 times I was knocked out for surgery I woke up pretty well but even an ice cube wanted to come back up today. From what I've heard people can have a difficult time urinating after anesthesia and that affected me. I couldn't get started and when I did I couldn't keep it going so a couple hours ago I had the pleasure of my first catheter. Most people pass between 150 and 500 ml of urine on a normal trip to the bathroom. I had a total of 1550 ml in about a half hour with that thing in. Suddenly my stomach doesn't hurt anymore. For the discomfort of putting the tube in and taking it out, the end result was worth it.

My lunch sucked, they came by and said I was on a clear liquid diet so when they started rattling off what my options were I just said screw it bring me one of everything. Dinner on the other hand was AWESOME! I had spaghetti with meatballs, Greek salad, chicken finger (yes only one single chicken finger) and a cheeseburger. Best part is, it wasn't all crappy hospital food and I learned taht between 630am and 8pm I'm allowed to call room service and have food delivered at any time. For breakfast I'm ordering bacon with a bacon and a side of bacon. For dessert my homie Kayla (Cassie's former co-worker and nurse in the cancer center) made me a milkshake.

OK so to sum it up I have 2 IVs, pain killers include Dilaudid, oxycodone & tylenol, and xanax as needed. It looks like the chest tube is done pumping stuff out so the only other thing holding me back is pain management. I can't go home til I'm off the IV pain killers and it's starting to look like that might take a while. Now I'm about to do a lap around the nurse's station and hopefully tire myself out. Here goes nothin'...